Push the fast forward button!!!

Friday 29 Aug, 2014, 12:17pm by Mrs D 112 comments

Ok that was SUPER fun!! Loved that ‘Bullshit’ game in the last post and thanks everyone for playing.

You know, when we go through those thought processes and challenge those common (bullshit) beliefs we start to change the hard-wired thinking we have about alcohol and what it offers. If we attack, attack, attack those beliefs they start to turn around and we see the truth and THEN we start to experience truly blissful freedom from addiction.

Anyway.. here’s another technique suggested by member @Switchedon called ‘Push the Fast Forward Button’. I’ve also heard it called ‘Play the Tape till the End’. It’s where we think past that first romantic image of booze and focus on the reality of what it ends up being like. I’ll do a couple based on my experiences of being a boozer but again please do add your own in below…

Opening Scene: I pour myself a lovely glass of glistening chardonnay at 5pm with the sun streaming in my kitchen windows. I’m cooking dinner, the kids are watching TV, the radio is playing and I feel like a contented housewife who deserves this lovely liquid release.

Fast Forward: It’s 10pm and as per usual I haven’t been able to stop drinking once I started. I’ve now had over a bottle of wine, I’m slumped on the sofa – heavy and numb – watching the Kardashians (most of which I’ll forget) eating my 4th piece of toast. Soon I’ll shift my drunk body to to bed, sleep like crap for six hours before waking up feeling hungover, guilty and miserable.

Opening Scene: I’m at a friends house on a Friday afternoon – 4 of us mums  with our kids are gathering to celebrate the end of the school term. We’re having a disco / pizza party! The kids are roaming around, the dads are arriving soon, we’re all pouring bubbles and chatting away happily, feeling good about coming together for a mini celebration.

Fast Forward: It’s 9.30, I’ve completely overdone it and am shitfaced. I’m pushing the pram the two blocks home feeling dizzy and sick. As soon as we get in the door I lock myself in the toilet and vomit. I can hear Mr D putting the kids to bed down the hall. I feel like crap.

Opening Scene: The children are at my mum’s for the night and we’re off to a wedding! I’ve been at the salon having my hair straightened and am wearing a lovely chiffon top borrowed from my sister. I am very happy to be watching my friends get married and happily accept my first glass of bubbles at 4pm after the ceremony.

Fast Forward: It’s 10.30pm and I’m drunk and emotional. I’ve just been walking around the garden with Mr D in tears about something. My shoes have been lost inside somewhere and I’m wearing borrowed socks (not a good look). I’ve ‘checked out’ emotionally and don’t feel in the mood to dance to the fun cheesy pop songs that are playing. I find myself another wine and sit with some random strangers and rave away self-indulgently about my life’s woes. I fall asleep in the taxi on the way home.

I’ve actually found writing this quite depressing. All of this is true and it makes me feel really sad. But brutal honesty is what set me free and there’s not much point in stopping being brutally honest now. Booze is shit and I’m very very very happy to have it out of my life.

Your turn….

112 comments

  1. So many fast forward moments and perhaps not quite ready to share all of them yet but one of the worst ones was:
    1pm at a Music festival that we organise, having a wine to calm my nerves before all the people get there, feeling positive as it’s a lovely sunny day & I am looking forward to playing music
    Fast forward 7.30pm (or so I’m told the next day!) hubby literally has to carry me home as my legs won’t support me, I fall out of bed after he’s gone back to the festival, clothes still on, busting for the loo but can’t make it as again my legs fail me and then trying desperately to get back into bed and I can’t even manage that so end up on the floor. Next day, a lady who I sort of know, came up to me (this is late afternoon by the time I managed to get back down to the festival) and told me how worried she was about me the night before. I feel so ashamed even writing this but it’s the truth and sometimes the truth hurts! (Then I discovered Mrs D and here I am)

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  2. Decided to inspire myself and do a positive fast forward…
    5pm start feeling blah and restless cant put my finger on why, feeling bit sorry for myself couples with day just seemed yuck, nothing concrete. Want to forget stop the brain and relax… what to reach for…wine chocolate,, FAST FORWARD… next morning feeling better. Feel great look back at last night still not sure where blah feeling came from but that’s okay. Proud that I took some deep breaths last night and instead of eating/drinking I it my fav candle, using it to centre myself, then had some herbal tea to relax myself. I managed to bring myself back to the moment during the evening by repeating ‘where I am now is where I need to be all is whole perfect and complete, I am safe’ Watched fav TV show and rad book. Cooked myself a lovely tea, had a warm hot milk/ choc drink before snuggling into bed

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    1. Really needed your positive fast forward. Thank you. These drunken stories are so heart wrenchingly sad. So glad we are safe now. X

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  3. Friday afternoon. Feeling sorry for myself due to several stressors at home. Been told to be kind to myself so kindly buy myself some wine. Daughter out for the evening so can drink how I want…..fast and lots. Jump in car to get more wine and a takeaway. Wake up early feeling scared and anxious. Just another fun night at home of solitary drinking. Feel like a loser. Been here before. Need to change. Need to accept life on life’s terms and stop self medicating to stop feeling. Scared and sad.

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    1. This solitary drinking is so tragic. Others don’t realise we are doing it and think we are overreacting when we say we have a drink problem. It is such a lonely existence. Thank god we are free. Your post exactly describes my ‘being kind to myself’ up until I came across Mrs D. X

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  4. My husband and I are at the lake for the weekend with some of his co-workers, whom I have never met (he is a police officer). We spend the day out on the boat, swimming and fishing and DRINKING, beginning at 11:00 am, which is not something I am used to.
    Fast forward to 6:30 pm…. I am floating on a raft next to the boat when the anchor falls off the deck into the water. I yell “I got it!” and grab hold of the rope, not realizing it is not tied on. It pulls me off the raft and down into the water, and one of hubby’s co-workers dives in and saves me. The next morning, I DID NOT EVEN REMEMBER THIS HAPPENING!!! But everyone else did! I was embarrassed for me, but mortified for my wonderful husband.
    The next week, I found Mrs. D and here I am. Thank goodness for miracles!

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  5. I am on a cruise having a fresh G and T. It tastes so good I gulp it down, and another and another.

    Fast forward, I’m on my bed having pissed myself wondering how the hell I got from the bar to here. I’m sick sick sick and I have pack my bag to be picked up by midnight cos the cruise ends. I’m completely miserable.

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  6. opening scene.. finish work, picks kids up and get home. Watch clock round till 5pm or 4 if I’m super duper stressed.. get my wine glass and pour a large wine.. 1st glass doesn’t touch the sides. start house jobs with refill.. fast forward to 9pm.. pissed up sat in chair watching crap I won’t remember. eating junk (mainly crisps and chocolate) .. wobble up the stairs to bed and try and read through one eye as can’t focus. sleep a shit nights sleep and wake up knackard and feel sick and have headache and be grumpy most of the day till I would do it all again. that would be after 2 bottles of chardonnay and 2 large vodka’s. now it’s tonic and lime for me…

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  7. Opening Scene:
    April 5, 2013, height of my career, high stress extremely rewarding job. Master of Moderation,long history of alcohol in the family, healthcare education has taught me the warning signs of alcoholism and am very aware of danger signs. Very careful with intake but it is a daily challenge.
    April 6, 2013, wake up DEAF, terrified, barely any hearing at all, weeks and weeks of many painful and experimental treatments later and still have only 2% of hearing return, fitted for hearing aids which allow me to hear noise but not understand voices. Unable to work at all. Unable to hear granddaughter’s first words. Terrified of the dark. Miss working so much it is a physical pain.
    Moderation button completely broken, begin drinking red wine heavily, daily, to ease the pain of loss. Earlier and earlier daily start.
    April 6, 2014, no wine in the house, good look in mirror makes me decide to hit the reset button on my life, for once, do not give in, very quietly stop.
    Day 145 sober today. Happy to fast forward, looking ahead and not behind.
    Very grateful to be here.

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  8. I have just read all the posts about pushing the fast forward button and I feel incredibly sad. I see myself in so much of these behaviours/feelings. I have many stories that I could recount. I really and truly never imagined that there were so many of us struggling in the same way, desperately unhappy and not knowing what to do to change our lives. It is a great relief to know that I’m not alone. Thanks to Mrs D for being the eye opener that I needed, and thanks to all of you for caring. I am getting stronger with every day that I say no to that poison.

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  9. Opening scene get a text from a friend to go out and have a quiet drink see some live music at a local bar. I go to supermarket and buy a can of high alcohol beer 4 standard drinks in one can right. Down it on an empty stomach feel the hit its 5 pm fast forward. ….
    Its 4am I get woken by my phone ringing its my husband. I can’t answer my phone. I’m at some strange persons house in the same bed as another man. A married man who I had known previously and had feelings for. He was in the bar when I turned up. I have no memory from 9 pm on. Oh the shame and degradation. Apparently I was the drunkest anyone had ever seen still standing up. When I was dropped home I had to face the music from a husband who Had been up all night, dragged my two young children out of bed to look for me. That folks is the reason I don’t drink anymore. If I hadn’t been drunk none of that would have happened.

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    1. Oh read this and had tears for your honesty and bravery at sharing this…..love and caring thoughts being sent in your direction. God I can identify with this.

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    2. That’s such a brave thing to share. And I say that as someone who has done similar things. I hope you have forgiven yourself. We have to.

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  10. Wow, so many sad sad tales to tell….. for me.
    Same old opening scene: Few drinks which always starts as a bit of fun, am life of the party, funny, quick witted.
    Fast forward:
    - At a party, who’s? I don’t know. Where? I don’t know. Call boyfriend to collect me although I have no idea where I am, he bullies anyone he can get a hold of at the end of the phone to give me the address. He comes to collect me, I am vomiting in the toilet and then the bathtub at this random party. He puts me over his shoulder and carries me out. I see $20 on a kitchen bench as I’m being carried out and I pocket it. I need to spew so he puts me down, I proceed to spew in the gutter and when I look up, my “friend” has kissed him.
    - At my first office job work function, spew in boardroom.
    - At friends engagement party, fall asleep in their shed. Becomes a running joke.
    - At a friends wedding, I’m asked to be the MC. Suspect it’s because they don’t want me to get drunk.
    - Get home and start on the bourbs, go to let dog out for wee, lose consciousness and fall backwards down outside (ex-statehouse) steps of doom. Partners finds me about an hour later. Brings me inside and throws me on the bed, I roll off and vomit. Fall asleep and then take myself to hospital in the morning.
    - Numerous various occasions of overdoing it trying to “moderate”
    - First outing post-baby, drink far to much at work function, friends try and get me to dance with them… anything to get me away from horrible man, no dice and I’m “like a completely different person”. Later found in gutter by stranger who calls husband to collect me. Husband needs to get Mother-in-law to sit with kids while he comes into town, she says “You’ve married your father”.
    - Last outing, drink far too much after life feeling out of control, long long long suffering husband picks me off my face at 6pm, stops at supermarket and pizza parlour, I proceed to cry and vomit in public carpark in front of my 5y/o and 2 y/o. Husband doesn’t say a word the next day. I fear he has just given up. And who could blame him?

    I give up drinking for good.

    Fast fast forward: My children don’t remember the episode and alcohol is a rarity in their life so much so that they are tee-totallers when they get older and treat alcohol like the drug it is.

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    1. Gosh I look back over the last 20 years, not all of them drunk, but don’t we all have some stories to tell, mine began as the final straw as a number of events had unfolded previously, but for me this was a biggie,if I sit long enough and think about I believe I am still in shock I am a mother of 6 beautiful adult children, I have always wanted the best for them as we all do, but for one it was not to be, He has schizophrenia,the day he was diagnosed I wanted the world to end, and since then the journey has been one of heartbreak and challenges, very soon I began to find solace in a bottle of wine, almost every night, I hated myself I felt weak and guilty more often than not, my behaviour was often out of control and I was an embarrassment to my children, I was 50 years old, I am almost 65 and still drinking, but now the big questions are staring me in the face, I too am sick to death of feeling ill and fragile, I am beginning to talk to myself as wine o clock approaches and I have had 3 A F D S this week, its bloody hard, but I know I now wish to be in control, there is so much that I cannot change in my life, I do not need to be perfect, I no longer wish to hide from the world my addiction, I have been so good at hiding it for years, I don’t want to do that anymore.

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    2. You will feel so pleased you made the decision to stop before your children got to an age where they remember. When my youngest was a baby, in my pissed state, I dropped him. My oldest, then 9, remembers this episode. I do not. I have no idea where my partner was, nor do I want to ask. How can I let this kid know that I don’t even remember doing this?

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    3. At a wedding, the kids being looked after by my parents. Have brand new outfit on that I love and have many comments on. 7pm:Share bottle of wine with husband at table. proceed to help myself to free flowing wine when no one is looking … 11pm… vomiting in the garden infull view of everyone…
      This was 5 months ago.

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    4. No dont be sorry. Its your story, we know its not a lovely tale but you have the courage to tell it like it is. You should be proud of yourself now. xx

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  11. Opening scene: A friend of a friend has contacted me wanting help and advice as she is going through something in her life very similar to what I did years ago. It’s wonderful, but personal and private too. I meet her at an event surrounded by like minded people. I see her and hug her, and buy her a drink to celebrate this next stage in her life. Its about 6pm.

    Fast forward: Somewhere around 10pm. I have introduced her to everyone I know (which is most people at the event). I have dragged people over to meet her in fact. And each time I have introduced her I have loudly and happily proclaimed her news. I have laughed and joked, and told lots of funny stories about myself and my similarities to her. I have been a buffoon. She is quiet and polite, and I continue to cheapen something that is wonderful and her news alone.

    I still haven’t forgiven myself for that night. I was supposed to be supporting her.

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    1. We have all relived times like this under our covers.Cringing with shame.The relief to know those days are over is huge.We can only look forward and be better people for these experiences.Have compassion and understanding for others.

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    2. Colorful1 I have done that SO many times I lost count. You are brave to share this story and you should forgive yourself. So glad you are here!!!!

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  12. Opener: 6.30 sitting outside with lovely chilled Chard; OH tending BBQ, I’m doing salad, corn etc. sun setting. Having a laugh and chatting about all sorts.
    End frame: 8.30 huge row ( think OH has ” alcohol issues” too but dare not discuss) with me totally losing it. Dinner thrown on floor. Dog quaking outside. OH stormed out to have a fag. Or worse, and I’ve had one if my stress/alcohol induced epileptic fits. Not good!!

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  13. Opening Scene: curled up on couch – have glass in hand and will talk to one of my daughters – i am in a great mood – both live in oz and we all love chatting via the phone
    Fast Forward: yes they love chatting to me – but i have had some wine at lunch … couple of glasses, nearly finished a bottle and finishing it while i chat to them – and suddenly they do not want to talk to me and make excuses they busy etc.
    Fast Fast Forward: now loving talking to me whenever they can – no matter morning or night cos they know i not slurring or repeating myself or talking over them – much much much better :)

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    1. My kids were like that too if I was on the phone to them. Asking if I had been drinking and me denying it saying I had a cold or something like that! End of conversation but now it’s all good!!!

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  14. I can really relate to everyone’s fast forwards here – it makes you wonder how alcohol has (had) such a hold over so many of us, huh?

    As Mrs D said it is a bit of a depressing one but need that fast forward reminder to help stay on track. This afternoon I told a friend I would pick my son up from her house at 9pm tonight. She said fine but as she had a group of boys there she could drop him home if I had too many wines to drive. I hadn’t told her I have given up the booze and if it was a Friday afternoon 31 days ago it was a given that I would have.

    So my slightly more positive fast forward for today is…Opening scene: 4pm on a Friday feeling like winding down after a busy week, pour a phoenix cola, have some crackers and cheese, relax with family and friends.

    Fast Forward 9pm: Finish watching the funny DVD that we all had a great time laughing at. Leave the house with a sober grin on my face and pick up my gorgeous son, not stinking of booze and not at all worried that I might be borderline if I got breath tested – in fact hoping to see a cop who WILL breath test me just for fun!

    Happy Friday – wishing everyone a positive fast forward tonight and in the morning. x

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    1. hahaha @Switchedon – have been hoping for a cop to pull me over as well – so often drove just over the limit in my own suburb but always scared one day i would get pulled over – luckily never did and now never will :)
      you did well!

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    2. Happy Friday to you too.. I feel the same re being pulled over by the police now.. bring it on.. great positive fast forward for you and well done on another sober Friday..

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  15. Wow :( Seems we all have similar tales to tell. I bought your book today, Lotta. This in itself is an achievement – earlier in the week I wanted to buy it and felt too embarrassed and felt slightly panicky but today I was okay :D
    I, too, loved my wine and was downing one bottle, at least, a night. Once, when I went down to Wanganui to visit my Mum, she ended up going into hospital so I stayed in her room at her retirement village. They had happy hour there, so I joined in, the people were lovely. I then went upstairs, had some more wine, found some Baileys in Mum’s fridge – had that as well. Lay down on the bed, fell asleep and only woke up because I fell off the bed!!!!
    I could just consume so much :p

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    1. You will love Mrs D’s book. If anyone picked up my kindle right now all they would see is books about being/getting or trying to be sober and I would be embarrased! But each one has helped in a different way – I am re-reading Mrs D again before buying anymore.

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  16. Opening scene…. Friday. Have a couple of beers after work before driving home, call at 4 square and grab 3 bottles cheap red plonk.. Get home and wave the wife off to work, she works on a weekend because she has had enough of watching me get pissed.

    Fast forward to 9.30….. Wife comes home from work, I will make her something to eat if I can be bothered, Im usualy half cut after 2 bottles, and have about 1 bottle left. I drink the last bottle, wake up on the couch at about 3 or 4 am alone, and stagger off to bed.. Same every weekend for years.

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  17. Opening Scene:
    Friends birthday so to not drink & drive, will be staying the night. Enjoying the company, nice food and losing track of number of drinks, dancing, having a good time with that end of night shot of drambuie (dumb idea), then falling into bed.
    Fast forward:
    Around 3 am, sitting on the floor of the kitchen, where am I?? Oh yuk, that’s not nice. Better clean up and I hope like hell no one wakes up. Can’t wash my hair, but do my best. Wake in the morning wanting to do penance and I’m not that way inclined. Eat breakfast which is an effort, then do some housework before I leave trying to hide my embarrassment and humiliation. What a great time I hope never to repeat.

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    1. I really hate that Groundhog Day effect that JustJane mentions. You feel so dreadful in the morning, like you never want to drink again, but you kind of know deep inside that by 5pm your mind will have shifted back to wanting a drink, to actually thinking that a drink would be a fabulous idea. I SO hated that. I SO love being sober !!!!!

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    2. Opening Scene – 6.00pm, just home from work, in my PJ’s (I’m all class) Pour a large glass of wine, and collapse into my chair, taking a few quick mouthfuls. Hubby gets home from work and asks “what for dinner?” Answer – “Don’t feel like anything tonight”

      Fast Forward – 8.00pm, polished off whole bottle, off to bed. Put tap water into bottle first, so it looks like there is some left. Wake at midnight with racing heart. Just another day.

      Next day – feel really flat, a bit nauseous. Think I will not drink tonight, but come 3pm at work, thinking how nice that first wine will be. Groundhog Day.

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  18. Opening Scene Every Weekday – 8am driving to work, stopping for a sausage roll & coffee to ease my stomach from the night before so I can see my customers. Work through till 1pm and head to the Supermarket to get fruit and some lunch saying to myself I am not getting wine today, only to get at least a bottle of wine, park somewhere secluded and drink the bottle while doing work on my lap top in my car.

    Fast Forward: arrive home, acting sober and offering to cook tea, holding up a conversation with the family, just, but really wanting to zone out and distance myself so I can drink more. Opening another bottleof wine while cooking tea, then offering to tidy up and do the dishes after dinner so I am close to the fridge and can sneak more glasses of wine without the family knowing, and another bottle opened to end the night. Conversations forgotten and stumble to bed, having to get up 2-3 times to go to the bathroom during the night. Waking up tired again and ashamed of myself to see 2 or 3 empty bottles from the night before. Then it starts all over again.

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    1. omg – doesn’t matter how much we drank – but whatever – but it seems we all have that – not today syndrom going on only to get to 3pm and oh well what the heck and there we go again. i gave up smoking many moons ago but i always have an urge for one around 10-11am – or so i thought – now i no longer want a wine i seem also to have lost the ciggie urge – so….. it was obv. wine lust – so i was already hanging out for it that early in the morning – no wonder i started having a glass or two at lunch time from the cask – that way i still had a full bottlefor night time – day 11 and so far i just do not miss it :)

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    2. You hit the nail on the head Nugget..’it starts all over again’. I just couldnt do it anymore, you too. Its rock bottom exhausting xx

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  19. Friday eve 6pm. Been a hard week so looking forward to a few relaxing well deserved drinks with husband as I’m feeling tense. Pour the first bottle and we congratulate ourselves for getting through the week and look forward to spending a stress free evening together.
    Fast forward 11pm. Bottles on table, red wine splashes on floor. I wake up cold on couch. Can hear husband snoring loudly on other couch. I wake him up and start hurling abuse at him for spoiling our evening. He retaliates, I am still tense and now drunk so out it all comes, directed at him in a nasty poisonous vindictive way. Next morning, sadly I remember the hurt I inflicted and so does he.

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  20. Opening scene: Arrive in the door at 5pm, pour myself a “G n T”, slice of lemon, ice cracking in the glass. Make dinner for the troops, fire is set and all ready for a Friday night at home with family.

    Fast forward: Wake up at 3am on the couch and in the dark. Have consumed 2 strong gin and tonics, 2 bottles of wine ( between hubby and I). Slide into bed next to hubby and try to remember if I saw Jono and Ben at 10!!

    Wow- it is sad

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    1. I used to agree to watch a movie with the kids feeling content I wouldn’t have to watch it because I would be passed out.

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    2. I know this comment was a while ago but so relate. I would regularly ask my hubby in the morning whether I had watched Jono and Ben or not!

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  21. It is 3.30 in the afternoon, the kids are driving me bananas, I am stressed and pissed off and i think “fuck it, enough already”. I put the kids in the car and drive off to the bottle store. I feel guilty and embarrassed but I do it anyway. By 4 pm I am enjoying the first sips of delicious pinot Gris. I feel buzzed for about 20 mins…then I just continue, trying to chase that buzz until the bottle is empty. I read stories to the children while drunk, I am not engaged with them. Fast forward to the end of the night: my stress has not gone anywhere, I am just too numb to notice. I have done nothing positive for myself or my children. I am not relaxed, I am sloppy. I wake in the morning feeling really disappointed with myself, feeling like a loser.

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    1. I love these comments about enjoying reading to our kids @persevering and @tothefuture . Being sober for that lovely bonding time is one of the best things I am enjoying now. Been reading old favorites together like narnia books, secret 7 and the magic faraway tree. Happy sober moments with our precious little people.

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    2. @perservering, I too relate to this, and look forward to bedtime stories that are not blandly rushed so I can get back out and have another drink. And actually engaging with my kids, I feel I have missed so much of this as they have been growing up.

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  22. Opening Scene. 4pm on Wednesday afternoon. Husband home early because the sun in shining and he is treating himself to a relaxing afternoon, but he didnt bring me home a bottle of wine. I am grumpy now as i really wanted a bottle, off he goes to the wine shop for me (really nice of him), i am happy now i have my wine. Sitting outside in sun lalala. Cooked lovely dinner (i didnt eat it, too busy drinking)….i was supposed to watch a movie with husband tonight 9pm too pissed to concentrate, been bitching in hubbies ear. Crash into bed….wake up, cant remember half of night. Trying to get everyones lunch..nauseous and hungover. GUILTY………..

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    1. Have just been thinking about the dinner thing, I love cooking and cook 90% of the meals, creating yummy feasts…. but like you I often would eat hardly anything if at all cause I was to sloshed or busy drinking….. and so guilty in the morning. Well done you for turning the corner janabel

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  23. Opening Scene: It’s Friday fish and chip night, i invite best friend around with her son for tea. By the time she arrives I am well on my way. Soon after she arrives we open the second bottle of wine, we laugh and have fun with the kids.
    Fast forward: it’s the next morning, I think I promised to do something with best friend today, but what was it. Son comes into room ‘Mum can you give me that lift now?” A lift, to where, what for. ‘Oh Mum I told you last night, don’t you listen to me.

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    1. Youch. Me too. In all the guilt and embarrassment I think this is the worst – the times I had to pretend to the kids or hubby, and sometimes others, that I remembered what I’d promised or what we’d arranged the night before, all the while hoping someone would drop a clue so I knew what it was. No, actually, even worse was the fact they didn’t bat an eyelid when it turned out I didn’t know because it was exactly what they expected and just took for granted they would have to remind me the next day. Ugh! I am so glad when I forget things now it’s genuinely forgetting and not just an obliterated memory. I’m even grateful for normal forgetting as at least it makes the previous forgetfulness feel/look a little more normal.

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