The Brutal Truth (Guest Post)

Saturday 18 Jun, 2016, 5:25pm by Mrs D 37 comments

I’ve always said that one of the most helpful things for me in staying sober is remembering very clearly the boozy hell I was in when drinking. I keep a very clear image in my mind of sloppy, numbed out, drunk, miserable me and bring it to mind when need be (i.e. when my addict brain tries to convince me I should start drinking again). Member @enzedgirl posted a brilliant update of her doing the same thing in the Members Feed the other day, and with her permission I am re-posting it here. After you’ve read her ruthlessly honest list of shit things why not add your own brutal truths in the comments section at the bottom. Getting our secrets out is immensely helpful in moving us forward and setting us free. 

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@enzedgirl: With my recent dream about drinking and telling myself it didn’t matter, and a fleeting thought this afternoon about drinking wine this evening accompanied by “it’ll probably happen one day”, “why does it really matter” etc, I’ve decided to overtly list all the shit things that I ever did or experienced through bullshit booze, randomly selected from nigh on thirty years of binge drinking. Then I’m going to list all the fab things that have come about as a result of being alcohol free.

THE SHIT THINGS:

* Regularly got so boozed I couldn’t remember things I’d done or said
* Prioritised booze over everything else
* Jeopardised my professional reputation so I could booze
* Breathed boozy fumes over my children at their bedtime
* Repeated myself, slurred my words, eyes rolling in my head
* Had sex with people I wouldn’t ever otherwise have sex with
* Verged on getting sexually assaulted
* Puking and puking and puking
* Hitting my husband in the head with my fist (once – I am so ashamed)
* Drunk bruises, one time to the extent that my friend asked if my husband was hitting me
* Locked myself out of the apartment and had to pay $150 to get a locksmith to come in the middle of the weekend
* Puked all over myself and the carpet of one of my best friend’s mother’s gorgeous old villa after a two year old’s birthday party
* Came to sitting on the edge of a six storey building shouting “good morning!” to the people walking to the train station below. (Ok that one sounds kind of funny but I had post-trauma symptoms after that. It felt like such a near miss. I could have been dead.)
* Spent my precious weekend days recovering from getting so smashed, only to do it all again the next evening
* Was greedy about booze – tried to drink more than others, jealously guarding the bottle and hoping like hell no one else would have any more of “my” wine
* Drank till I passed out
* Found myself asleep on the sofa at 2am, with little or no memory of how I ended up there
* Drank drove  (told myself it was ok because I’d only had two or three glasses FFS)

NOW FOR ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT HAVE COME ABOUT SINCE I STOPPED:

* My mood is so improved. I am calmer, less reactive, and my irritable mood has settled right down.
* I have come off anti-depressants and I’m doing ok with that
* I have noticed that my relationship with my husband became more relaxed, more humorous and more loving
* I have lost about 8kg all up
* My sleep is so, SO improved – if i wake it’s because I need the loo, not because I’m anxious, thoughts racing, guilty, angry with myself, never again etc etc
* I can drive anywhere, any time, take care of myself and my kids no matter what
* I have already met some beautiful people who are on their own alcohol-free journey and I am going to meet more
* I am telling friends, slowly but surely, just as it comes up … and I have had nothing but positive responses
* My mum and my sister are proud of me for going alcohol-free
* I’ve saved nearly $1300 since March
* I have found the motivation to also tackle my binge eating and over eating and it’s going great

Lots of love all you soberinas – let’s never forget the shit we’ve left behind and always remember the positives we’ve gained.

@enzedgirl xoxoxoxoxoxox

37 comments

  1. The bad:

    Waking up to my heart racing.
    Trying to remember what I said the night before.
    trying to remember the end of movies.
    Trying to remember the late night talks with my daughter.
    Having my kids say “Mom…I told you last night”.
    Making up stories for bruises I don’t remember getting.
    Waking up in the middle of the night and wetting myself as I run to the bathroom.
    disappointed looks from my husband
    embarrassing my kids in front of their friends.
    hiding my empty bottles around the house and trying to sneak them into trash and recycling
    visiting different liquor stores so that the employees don’t know how much I drink.
    WORST …while drinking with friends, I did not make to to the bathroom in time and wet myself. I have no idea if anyone noticed.

    Currently on day 3. Feeling better

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  2. Ok – peed the bed. We bought a new 3K one, peed in it.
    Every inappropriate sexual connection I have had has been because of intoxication.
    Fell over at party- with friend, kind of funny – but hey, we’re mid 50s.
    Got kicked out of a dodgy bar for being pissed, then skited about it???
    Refused alcohol after skulling a round of wine I bought, then passing out in toilet against the door.
    Peeing on bedroom and kitchen floor on way to toilet when pissed.
    Go out in evening looking/feeling like an attractive, composed, elegant woman, get pissed, act like an out of control middle aged party animal, piss head.
    Drank hours and hours of my life away sitting at home by myself, numbing deep feelings of emptiness and loneliness.

    Good things:
    Love myself
    Lack of daily self loathing
    Lack of wanky booze thought cycle/will/wont/will/wont you’re a dick head
    Feel I have integrity
    Connect with actual friends instead of booze
    Save money
    Clean house
    Nice garden
    Think through things carefully
    Organised life, i.e. mail opened??
    Exercise
    Eat well AND then dont consume whole bottle of known carcinogen
    Have a lot of fun and still crack jokes, dance when sober
    Eyes that dont look like yellow and red glazed marbles
    No bags under eyes
    Memory actually works
    Feeling of competence and control as opposed to fly by seat of plants/bluffing
    Connect with wise & gentle souls on here xx

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  3. This is a great post and exactly what I needed. I am on day 244, doing great but reading this motivated me even more to keep staying sober. Very brave for all of you to post your shit list. I have probably done about 90% of the crappy things posted and stuff I don’t want to remember. Thank you for sharing!

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  4. Wow, so many shit list and positive list items I can identify with.
    *Moving from section to section in Airport lounge to avoid people seeing just how much I’d had to drink
    *Drinking so much before boarding (on another trip) that I lost my suitcase, passport and Cellphone… Total blackout about getting on the plane.
    *Screaming my kids to bed some nights to just get back to my wine in peace
    *Puking and Passing out in the toilets at a function, waking up to everyone searching for me as I’d disappeared for hours.
    *So so so many nights of drinking before I went out, then drinking more, getting home and vomiting, waking up anxious and ashamed about what I had said and done….if I remembered… Or anxious about what I didn’t remember
    *Drifting lower and lower down a spiral of depression and anxiety, eventually self harming because I felt so out of control.
    *last few months if drinking hiding bottles everywhere and lying about not drinking.. Hating myself more and more for it
    * feeling that I should divorce my husband so that I can be free of his constant issues with my drinking.

    Great list:
    *much less anxiety and depression. Sleep like a baby
    * sense of self worth much improved, more confident in who I am, not who I think others want me to be. Definitely more grounded
    * actually enjoy being with my children
    * more for us and energy at work.
    * no need to feel like I want to run and hide from people I met at dinner parties due to my poor behaviour when I run into them again.
    * relationship improving
    * and on and on I could go…

    And yet I still picked up that glass three days ago after 69 days. But today I’m back on track… Realised I can never relax too much about the hold alcohol had over me

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  5. Wow…I too @seedynomore have read these posts and cringe inside. We are all brave to post our worst transgressions when drinking, not only to remind ourselves but to also free ourselves, knowing we don’t have to live that life ever again. Our stories may be a little different, but mostly they are the same, especially the shame part. I too in the past ten years have had legal troubles due to drinking, several totaled cars, several prescription drug overdoses, and countless arguments and fractured relationships, all when under the influence. This past binge I wrote down in my journal THIRTEEN things I did that day while drinking. Some inconsequential, some very dangerous, like handling my husband’s loaded pistol and thinking maybe that was the answer. I used alcohol after my divorce to try obliterate myself and in the process truly could have died and definitely caused much heartache to my family and friends. Addiction is a very selfish thing. In the past few weeks with no alcohol in the picture, there is peace in our home, my daughters are making their way back to me, cautiously of course, but spending more time with me, sharing with me etc…all the things I truly treasure. I am exploring things that are emotionally/spiritually fulfilling instead of filling myself up with alcohol. Like helping at a community café where people pay what they can afford. What can I do to get out of my head and maybe make a difference?? Something I wouldn’t consider if I was self-absorbed in a bottle. So, here’s to all of us who are climbing our way out of the abysmal alcohol pit, not only impacting our lives, but all those who know and love us.

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  6. I have read and re-read this post and I have not been able to bring myself to comment because the hurt and shame in me still runs so deep that I feel physically sick.My list is much the same as yours and more.I attacked a bouncer once for refusing me entry to a night club when I was in my 20,s which resulted in a night in the cells to dry out and apparantly I was singing and shaking and kicking the cell bars til early hours of the morning….I’m pretty sure my drink was spiked because I only had a total of 4. I crashed into a veranda after a bottle of wine without a license which resulted in 6 months before I could go for it and an $800 fine…I never got my license after that and still don’t.It scared me to death that I would probably drink and drive so I never drove and still won’t til I’m permanently sober.I was not with my mum when she died because I was too busy drinking to drown the pain. I never cried at her funeral for god sake.I was too numb to feel anything..I had the chance to say goodbye and I never did..What a fucken loser.I subjected my kids to drunken fights..sometimes actual brawls between their dad and I.It hurts so much when I remember my oldest daughter in my younger daughters room trying to calm her down. I finally woke up and left that hellish relationship with their dad and cut back my drinking and in time met my current wonderful OH and I really thought my worst drinking days were behind me….until the night I attacked him for absolutely no reason and had no memory the next day.I am pretty sure in my drunken state I was just reliving my past abusive relationship but it still would never happened had I been sober. There is probably a lot more and I feel so damn lucky I have never had a criminal conviction because it could have easily been the case.Anyway some of my skeletons are out now and there it is.. I would like to add my positives list but to be honest I’m feeling a bit rattled so maybe another time.Thanks so much for sharing this @enzedgirl and honestly it is this post that has sealed the sober deal for me.Even if I want to drink (which I dont)..I just can’t…ever.I can’t and won’t re -live or subject my precious family to that drunken bullshit me ever again!

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  7. I’m newly sober. Day 3 after a particularly shit waking up on monday morning and not remembering hoing to bed. I had drank the night before. Sunday night, my husband’s birthday. I hadn’t had enough so I secretly got his new birthday present rum and swigged from that. Then I added water to cover my boozing. Apparently I crashed off to bed but 30 mins later husband heard me crashing on our room. I’m out of bed and puking over the carpet ,belts scarves and trinkets and all over the bathroom. He cleaned up after me on a quiet Sunday birthday night in. Disgraceful.

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  8. Horrors are so numerous… life altering ones are going to work still drunk from the night before… having my car blocked in by security after failing breath test ( I worked st a hospital) 3 DUI s one of which I had a jury trial and got off on technicality… the 3rd was after that one! Crazy! Major reason for loss of relationships and getting into inappropriate ones. Amazing to me that i was able to minimise these events and continue drinking. All of this was AFTER 9 years of continuous sobriety.

    The Good: regained respect of my children and mother. New friendships with fantastic people. Waking without the feeling of doom. Remaining calm and thoughtful in response to situations. Talking less about situations and just handling them. Being grateful to God for saving me and giving me insight. Loving life again!

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  9. Such bravery and honesty in this post and these comments. I can relate to so many of these things. The shittiest thing for me about my drinking days was the constant effort to blot myself out, numb myself away, waste hours and hours of time being numb, and deprive myself of feeling any real human emotions. Now, sober, I am able to feel myself and feel the amazing world I live in, and I’ve learned to like myself, love myself even, for being a pretty amazing human being. I would never have felt like this if I’d continued blotting myself out with booze.

    And I used to wake up every morning and look at myself in the mirror (reluctantly, cringing) and just hate myself for yet again getting boozed senseless the night before. Now every morning I look in the mirror and have a good honest smile at that woman who looks after herself. Thanks @enzedgirl for this amazing post. You’r a star.

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  10. THE UGLY
    1. Have sex with people I didn’t know.
    2. Have sex with people I did know.
    3. Had sex with a 17 yo (kill me now).
    4. Stole shopping trolleys and street signs.
    5. Slurring, staggering and vomiting (frequently).
    6. No idea how I got to bed.
    7. No idea how the kids got to bed.
    8. Drank too much when I cooked tea so that I ended up forgetting what I was cooking. A La Burnt Crap on many occasions.
    9. Oblivious to children’s school work, notes and readers.
    10. Non attendance at parent teacher nights and school concerts as it interfered with drinking.
    11. Pouring alcohol into travel mugs to take to the pictures or family drives.
    12. Buy special cases of wine from a wine club for my husband then drink it all myself.
    13. Told my son he didn’t have to brush his teeth if he poured me a glass of wine. WTF?
    14. Go to dinner with friends, vomit in toilet then come back out and keep drinking.
    15. Drive home drunk while kids in the car.
    16. So drunk at venues that I would sing and dance on stage cos I thought I was “hot”.
    17. So drunk I had sex with a female friend (yuuuuuk).
    18. Forget to feed the pets.
    19. Slurring on the phone to family, teachers and friends.
    20. Talk shit.

    THE GOOD.
    1. It’s Day 2 – again (lmfao).
    2. Got to bed, knowing how I got there.
    3. The pets get fed and put away.
    4. My kids get put to bed the way a mother should.
    5. Self esteem is better.
    6. Energy levels are better.
    7. Feel more enthusiastic and excited about life.
    8. Don’t wake up at 3am feeling absolutely wretched and ashamed that I drank again.
    9. I can drive anywhere at anytime!!!
    10. Have a parent teacher interview tomorrow. Yussss.

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  11. This is so needed for me right now. I came so close to caving today. I would have if I was alone. That makes me so sad.
    Fucked up things:
    Throwing up behind my house knowing full well my kids saw me.
    Throwing up while hosting a dinner party for my aunt and uncle whom I adore and pretending it didn’t happen.
    Pushing my brother-in-law out of the bathroom so I could puke. Lots and lots of puking.
    Reading to my boys at night smelling of nasty wine.
    Drinking before hubby comes home and using eye drops to take the red away.
    Filling my bottle with water so he couldnt tell how much I drank. I only drank chardonnay so that was an easy one to get away with.
    Being so drunk while my mother was dying. Smelling like wine at the viewing and funeral. My God how could I have done that? I think that says it all.
    Not fucked up things:
    Better relationship with hubby.
    Good roll model for my kids and now grandbabies.
    Feeling so healthy.
    Calmer
    Really loving waking up in the morning and having that first cup of coffee. It tastes so good.
    Weight loss
    Life really is better. I must remember to get on here when I come dangerously close to fucking up.

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  12. Wonderful post! I went right down the list and clicked off every single one – well, except the shouting good morning bit. haha Reading this only reinforces my commitment and dedication to remaining AF! Booze is shit and I am so done with the regrets and shame. Onward and upward!! Thanks for posting!

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  13. Negatives:
    Drove drunk, drove fast, drive recklessly when drunk.
    When older, didn’t drive drunk but I just didn’t DO anything in the evenings except drink, or go places where alcohol was available.
    Took drugs. Lots. Bad drugs.
    Avoided situations and people that didn’t allow me to drink freely.
    Belittled people who didn’t drink as boring.
    Put myself in harms way. Repeatedly.
    Used alcohol to quell the voices of disquiet with how I was living, who I was.
    Prioritised alcohol over my family and husband.
    Seriously compromised my parenting hundreds of times when I just wanted to get the children into bed as quickly as possible so the adult fun (ie drinking) could begin.
    Travelled to wonderful places but came away with hazy memories and no true connection to the places I’d seen because getting plenty of drinking done was always prioritised.
    Let my children see me drink wine in the evening alone. Lots.
    Let my children see me drink and drink and drink whenever we caught up with friends. Never drink but we totally normalised heavy drinking.
    Always squeezed wine into the family shop no matter how carefully we were budgeting.
    Picked fights, got defensive, got irritable and encouraged bigger drinking with my husband
    Missed wonderful opportunities with men in my past who weren’t fun enough (ie didn’t hit the booze heavily enough for me), and had a couple of truly unhealthy relationships with men who facilitated my drinking
    Compromised my potential.
    Drank too much for 25years

    Positives
    Less fights with husband. Happier in my relationship. Just like that. A happy gift of contentment.
    Feel more relaxed with everyone, life is more integrated.
    Looking better on the outside. I can assume things are looking MUCH better on the inside too.
    So happy to be a better example for my children.
    More patient and more present with my children.
    Saving money on booze. Still spending it but on cool shit not stuff I just drink away.
    Sleep sleep sober sleep!! It’s amazing and deep. I thought I was becoming insomniac. It was just alcohol.
    Anxiety about life, people and drinking has GONE. Anxious 3am booze addled wake ups GONE. Blurry sick mornings GONE.
    Half lived weekends GONE. Now I can do stuff at night, even if it is just happily watching a movie without getting sleepy, and do stuff all day without either a hangover or wine o’clock starting at 4pm or whenever.

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  14. being so wretched with shame that I felt suicidal after drinking and acting up on my birthday- was more than one birthday mind you
    now facing up to the fact that my liver has been injured by drinking. Hopefully will resolve now that I am alcohol free
    being sneaky and ashamed of drinking, alternating bottle shops to make it look like I was drinking less
    arguing with spouse, ugly yelling fights in front of the kids- not when intoxicated, but usually because I have been so strung out by the booze and the recovery
    going to work and not functioning properly after a big night

    NOW

    being available and effective as a parent, seeing my kids being so much happier and calmer now that I am happier and calmer, my relationship is happier and calmer.

    I can’t think of a better reward than that

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  15. Feel really sad reading this. There’s a long list of things going back to my teen years that were pretty awful and I still feel shame about, but that’s not the sadness.
    The sadness is that I felt for a long time that I just couldn’t stand myself sober. I just couldn’t bear being in my own skin. The alcohol contributed to the problem but it wasn’t the problem.
    So, shameful and complicating as my list might be, those things don’t really matter in a way, as all of those shameful moments were preferable to just being me every day. That was the case for several decades – I doubt I’d be here if I’d had to try to live without some kind of anaesthetic. Seems to be a bit different to most people here but I know there are others like me. That’s my raw truth.

    Good things:
    Now I can stand myself, I am in my own skin. I can be kind to myself. It took a long time to get here and I knew it would. Just how it is. Again, giving up alcohol was part of that when the time was right, but not all of it. Finding I’m able to stop drinking is such a relief, I can’t describe.
    Sober sleep. It’s a gift from heaven, it’s a cloud of happiness, it’s sinking into velvet.
    Insomnia has eased so much and even when its there it’s much more pleasant sober.
    My body doesn’t hurt as much.
    Mornings! Who knew?
    Noticing the small moments.
    So much more time and so much I can do with it.
    The freedom of not having to ‘cover up’ all the time: being hungover at work, being unavailable in the evenings, trying to concentrate when I was in company but had already spaced out after the first few sips.
    Feeling gradually less irritable and trusting myself more.
    Knowing I can be really there for the people that matter in my life.
    I’ve unshackled myself.
    Freedom, freedom, freedom.

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  16. Pretty much all the bad things. I can add being told in a bar the waitress wasn’t allowed to serve me alcohol. When I don’t drink I feel so much better.

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  17. My gosh I’m just overwhelmed by the response to this post. I’m also really honoured by people’s honesty and courage. Thank you x

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  18. Love a List
    BAD STUFF
    - not being fully present for my family
    - anxiety/depression/mood swings/ paranoia /anger/ procrastination (particularly good at this!)
    - blackouts/sleeplessness/ guilt /shame
    - sweating
    - doors left unlocked
    - lost wedding ring
    - left pan on stove overnight, serious smoke damage
    - pick fights with husband
    - isolated myself from friends

    GOOD STUFF
    - much better mother, wife, sister etc
    - calmer, more productive both at home and at work
    - eating better, clear skin, bright eyes
    - lost a few pounds
    - taking more care of myself, buying new clothes, make up,
    - can drive anytime, anywhere
    - kids are impressed
    - enjoy the simple things in life, laughing, flowers, music
    - house proud and gardening.

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  19. Hi @enzedgirl, once you start putting alcohol above everything else, that was where I was at. I had to laugh the other night when my son asked me not to breath my stinky dinner breath on him, he never used to say anything about the wine fumes, another reason I’m glad I stopped. You are doing so well, I too start thinking about all the awesome things that wouldn’t have happened if I was still drinking if any thoughts cone in, I seriously just can’t be bothered with everything that goes with it xxx

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  20. Those are powerful contrasts! My griefs are no way so obvious and dramatic, far more in my head, unknown to others, but with far reaching, awful consequences within the family,
    The worst was after the September quakes, so everyone fragile. We were having a much needed lovely family dinner, mothers and daughters. My partner barged in at one point, complaining , insensitive even though I had made him a lovely dinner to take away and have in peace. Instead of ignoring or placating, I snarled at him, perhaps asserting my power? Deeply disappointed and ashamed of him?
    I would never have done this if not inflamed with wine, wise judgement gone.He snapped back horribly. A neurotic person decided to make it her issue and yelled and cried hysterically. Two of the young ones took my angel away, protecting her they thought, but in fact wrecking the dinner that she had proudly cooked.
    I was too far away from sober sanity to use a bloody mobile and get them back. Daughter wanted to come back, but was also overwhelmed.
    A sort of calm arrived as older sister calmly told the howling one not to go, we were having dinner. We did, a lonely, bleak, daughter less affair, still I didn’t simply ring and say come back, stop bloody overreacting.
    It was the start of years of the hysterics thrower building lies and trying to separate family members,
    To this day I cringe and curl up inside with pain when I pass the restaurant the daughters escaped to.
    I have only just realised how much guilt and shame I carry from this, and other occasions I was not present enough to try to bring love and healing, selfishly drifting off into my own world, giving up on those I could have reached, being a terrible role model to my children.
    Sorry, this seems so trivial, not at all life threatening!
    I am so glad you had enough balance to stay on the top of the building… !!! Xxxxx

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  21. Shit Things:
    +Drove drunk, DUI and the shame of being in handcuffs stopped for a few years then slowly started drinking again… I hadn’t had enough shame yet
    +Daughter took the keys out of my hand because I had been drinking, I have never admitted that to anyone
    +Called in sick for work then stayed away from home so family would not know I was drunk and hungover and didn’t go to work
    +Hid my drinking, saying I was not drinking when I was, hiding bottles (ugh)
    + Ruined a family party recently by waiting till everyone left and went to bed and getting black out drunk. Just started black outs this year progression.
    +Not being available if anyone needed me on many nights, never accountable on the weekends for anything
    +So hung over on trip to Grand Canyon that I waited for all my life hard to enjoy the majesty of it all.
    Good Things
    +Being present and able to listen to friends, drive to wherever I am needed and helping others rather than shrinking away from commitments.
    +After years of insommia being able to SLEEP and well. Going to bed with my husband instead of sitting alone drinking into the night.
    +Doing a great job at work instead of fighting my hangover
    +Being proud of my appearance, no bloodshot eyes, red nose or high blood pressure flush
    +Feeling joy in the little things, watering my flowers, laughing with grandkids, making plans ahead without fear, waking up refreshed
    +starting to remember who Reena was before the darkness took over.
    thanks friends for all your support, and loving words these last three weeks, I have literally been hanging on them at times~~ have a great AF weekend ~

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  22. I too have a shit list of things going way back:
    Lost my virginity at 14 by getting date raped by some 27 yr old asshole who was married, that was the very first beer I ever had. Ill never forget that one.
    So many parties when young and got drunk and taken advantage of.
    Drunk too much one night and drove a bunch of us home, almost t-boned a transit bus in the dark by running the stop sign. Almost killed all of us.
    Drunk again driving home on the hwy one night from way up north in the cold winter (heater in car not working) fell asleep and started bouncing off the guard rail in the fast lane …twice.
    So many times I have woke to not remember anything the night before…yikes!
    So many times, Ill never do this again, so many times, puking, so many times , thats it I quit this time,
    so many times, I hate myself, so many times, what the fuck is wrong with me, so many times, Thats it Im done, So many times, fuck never again this is it so many times…it goes on and on such a waste of life.
    It is so hard to get off the scary- go- round
    Thank you to all LS friends Im finally hanging in there :)
    Life is so much better

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  23. Wow, great post, and very brave. I think I’ve ticked all those ones except the rooftop one and hitting the partner. Though he hit me once in an extremely drunken argument (not my husband but ex boyfriend).
    * Left a party once, smashed my car into a car across the street trying to do a 3 point turn. I “came to” sitting in the driver seat wondering who had just smashed my car – like it just didn’t make any sense that I was in the drivers seat. I had my kids in the car. I lived 200 meters away and had no need to be driving in the first place.
    * Got pulled over to get breathalysed (not the same incident!!) and decided it was not going to be a good outcome, so I drove off. Got chased. Down one of the main strips of Sydney CBD – through red lights and all. Then figured that wasn’t so smart so pulled over and consequently got arrested.
    * Fell over while playing with my dog – got so bruised and scraped on my face – also got asked by a workmate if my boyfriend was beating me up.
    * Woken up in strange houses not knowing if I’d had sex or not with someone whose name I would never know (a few times)
    * So so so so many blackouts – most of the time I drank pretty much
    * Waking at 3am all the time, feeling sick, feeling shame and hating myself pretty much most days.
    * Oh this is one that still upsets me – My dog was sick – she had vomited and shat in her cage – she used to get locked up at night – and I was too drink to notice. She isn’t want to go in that night but I made her as I didn’t know it was full of shit and vomit. Oh that makes me so sad.
    * All the times I’ve been pissed (and the hearest hospital is 1 hour drive away) that I would never have been able to drive my kids if there was an emergency. Thank God there never was.
    Okay thats enough – there are loads more things.

    Good things are pretty much the same too.
    Calmness. A much better relationship with myself. Less fear and more willing to rise to a challenge. An inner confidence from knowing myself. Pride. Self worth. I think I want to work more on that list!

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  24. Drunk:
    - had a complete black-out at a family party celebrating my recent marriage which my brother-in-law and wife and flown in for the week-end for
    - previously, had both relationships + casual sex w men who were not kind + uninterested in me as a person
    - spent about a 1/3 of all of my adult days being hungover
    - said horrible stuff about people while drunk
    - wasted = wasted life

    Sober
    - calmer than I’ve ever been in my life
    - have the confidence I’ve always wanted
    - am good friends with self
    - doing the things I care about with the time I have
    - recovery = recover your dreams

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  25. I can relate to all of the above except sitting on the edge of a six storey building.
    I’ve lost my keys and ended up shimmering up drain pipes, climbing fences and breaking windows to get into my house. I’ve slept in the play house in the middle of winter cause of lost keys.
    Done the round of bottle shops.
    Hid bottles.
    Allowed myself to be used to keep drinking “friends” and lost real friends because of drinking.
    Broken confidences.
    Lied to work about being “sick”.
    Let people down.
    The list could go on but seeing the above + enzedgirls will do for now!

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      1. Lots @enzdgirl
        Sleep better
        Cleaner house and garden
        Can drive anytime
        Better relationships with people
        Can get to work on time and do a good job
        Feel healthier physically, emotionally and mentally
        Saved money
        Can text and message without stuffing up!
        Can be a me I like!
        Can be happy for other people – glad you had a good time in CC x

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  26. Such a good reminder…
    I could add waking up in bed fully clothed with no idea how I got there,
    Shouting at my children to just get into bed because I was drunk and couldn’t be bothered to do bed time
    Slipping of a bar stool and ending up in a heap on the floor, although my wine I held aloft not spilling a drop;
    I’ll have to stop there because I’m getting panicy!
    Sobriety on the other hand is cool and calm. Best of all I don’t wake up at 2.30 every night with my guts squirming like a pit of snakes and my head buzzing like a wasps nest. Sober sleep – it is smooth and rich as double cream.

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  27. I don’t think this comment box is big enough for me to compile a ‘shit list’, but it would include pretty much all of the above. Alcohol is behind all of my criminal convictions, and without the help of my lawyer, would also have been responsible for my imprisonment.
    At day 6, my good list is short but sweet.
    1. Last night when we ran out of milk at 9pm, I jumped in the car and went to the shop without hesitation.
    2. Although I am having difficulty sleeping, I am fully awake when I get to work.
    @enzedgirl , it may have been you who reassured me the other night that “It gets easier”.
    And I know it does, I got to over 70 days sober after my last DIC. But then summer came around, it was hot, and everyone else was enjoying cold beers at the beach, and I thought “You can control this Lenny, you’ve broken the habit and you’re not driving so it doesn’t matter…..”.
    Wasn’t long until I was up to my old tricks again. That was four years ago.
    Thanks for reminding me of the ‘shit things’, it’s really helpful ;)
    Enjoy your weekend :)

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